Do I Look Sick?

This blog post has nothing to do with my illnesses. It has been quite sometime since I blogged on a regular basis and so for several weeks I have looked for ways to hold myself accountable. Tonight I found mine. Lisa Erwin, mother of Trey Erwin, started a family blog after he passed away from pancreatic cancer at sixteen.

After the kids went to bed, I decided to read. In Lisa's post on September 6th (one day past Janet's birthday), she talks of meeting a man who would also soon die from the same cancer as her son. This man's daughter had contacted Lisa because the daughter wanted to make sure her dad's spiritual life was in order. The visit happened almost two months to the day of Trey's passing.

One of the questions the man asked Lisa was, "Do I Look Sick?" It sent chills down my back for two reasons.

1. When Janet went into the hospital on September 29th, 2003, my family was not prepared for what the days ahead would hold. As we learned how much her condition had worsened, we went from thinking we had six weeks to the next day realizing she would never leave the hospital. 

Janet never gave up hope that she would be cured of her rare form of cancer known as leiomyosarcoma. As she got sicker in the hospital, she began to sleep more and one particular time I was at the head of her bed just stroking what little hair was growing back. In that moment, Janet looked up at me with her beautiful green eyes and not knowing what we did, she said, "Don't you think we should get on a plane to John Hopkins about that clinical trial?" At first I began to tell her she couldn't fly but that distressed her so I told her we would see. Janet drifted back off to sleep content with my answer.  

I am not certain Janet ever believed she looked THAT sick. She had five babies and she had fought the "C" word with everything she had in her. Janet loved nothing more than her kids. To Janet, she did not look sick but in the end, her cancer advanced quicker than modern medicine.

2. As I have read blog entry after entry, Trey's mom amazes me. That is where the other part of "Do I Look Sick?" comes in to play.

For thirty years, I was a faithful member of a church. Then everything changed in one evening. In less than an hour, all those years were erased. Guilt, grief, and many questions began to set in hard. Do I look sick? No. I don't look spiritually sick. However, I am. Let me explain.

I've been selfish to an almost fatal degree. Since the kids are only with me every other weekend going to another church met with much resistance. I tried a few places but something was always deemed "wrong" with the churches. Instead of going out there and finding the kind of relationship with the Lord so many talk of I have sat here so that my kids could stay in their church...one that I don't necessarily agree with anymore. As a mother, it is fine to take the short end of the stick on almost every issue except one....your own salvation.

In the almost eight years, I have never given up on God. Our dialogue has never stopped. Contrary to what many believe, my children are held to high standards when they are in my care. If I never leave my house, I can still have a relationship with the Lord. Some won't agree with it but in the eight years I have been gone, I have received no visits from my church family members minus two Elders.

When I began to think of the hours I spent at that place just in worship services alone, it was staggering. Over 6,000 hours and that doesn't include any youth activities, trips, bus routes with my dad, waiting with him to lock the building up after a meeting of the Elders and Deacons. The number of hours is staggering. 

If there is one area of my life where I can get better, it is this one. I am past not being visited. I am past what has or hasn't been done and what has or hasn't been said about me. It is time to close that chapter of my life and to begin trying to find the faith, love, and passion for Jesus that I can see in Lisa Erwin's words as well as the words of her late son, Trey.

So, here is to looking spiritually healthier in 2013....