Grief, Sadness, and Happiness

It's 1:30am at my house and all I can hear in my house is the humming of our dryer. It is causing me to reflect on the last twenty-four hours. Within the twenty-four hours, many emotions have been felt by G, M, and me. Happiness, fear, sadness, and unfortunately grief.

Last night Gabriel sang with the MCHS Concert Choir at graduation. He has really struggled the last couple months because MANY of the young people he looks up to are headed to college. It was a bittersweet ceremony for him. G knows they are starting a new adventure; but he is sad they won't be around on a regular basis. I'm certain their are many parents, grandparents, and siblings who understand G's feelings.

For the past three summers, G has gone to a week long preacher camp. He enjoys it immensely. At the beginning of May, I learned he was 6th on the waiting list. I called on three different occasions to see if he was inching up the waiting list. I had never handled the registration in the past and didn't handle it this time. I was damage control. G was upset because preacher camp is the only time he sees the majority of the young men. Around lunch we learned a spot was available and his if he wanted it. Well, duh. Since we didn't expect to get that call, it sent us into a frenzy as camp begins at 9am TOMORROW. The boys are required to wear a button up shirt, tie, and dress slacks every day. Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday they are required to also wear a sports jacket or suit. This would be the reason I am waiting on the dryer at almost 2am. To say he is elated to be going is an understatement.

The above paragraph will shock many people as I am seen as the parent going to hell. However, I can put my objections and my beliefs aside and help my son achieve HIS goals. This is much like his Eagle project. He needed funding and had been denied. He was upset and as a mother, I was too. However, it was explained to me why he was turned down and so I understood. The leaders of the church would not fund G's project out of the church budget but they didn't say personal contributions couldn't be solicited so I called each leader and asked them to give personally. An hour later, G had more than half the money he needed. In no shape, form, or fashion am I asking for praise or recognition. Why? Because I was doing what was best for MY child. 

M's weekend was reversed from her brother's. Friday night she and four friends went to the local fair. They had LOADS of fun. I will never understand why my daughter will ride something that is portable without any misgivings at all but take her to a theme park and she will ride the swings and water rides. Absolutely no roller coasters. Anyway, all spent the night here last night and celebrated "SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER." Lots of giggling and happiness last night. 

Then came today for M. One of her friends stayed with us so she could be a support system for M. You see after 452 days M was able to get all her belongings from her father's house. When she left, I am certain he thought she would come running back saying what a mistake she made. One week passed. Nope. One month. Nope. To be CLEAR, M made the decision to leave her father's house. She was not pressured by me to come and live with me or continue living solely with me once she got here. He sent her clothing fairly quickly but nothing which held sentimental value. She was ready to face him as we had been given the stipulation he would be there and I was not allowed in the house. Turns out he wasn't even there. 

It was EXTREMELY hard for Madison to see all the things she had missed for 452 days. It was even more painful for her knowing her daddy chose NOT to use all, or even the majority, of those days to prove to his daughter he was sincere about wanting her back. That is a hard pill for a twelve, thirteen, and now fourteen year old to swallow. Her father has the power to fix everything yet somehow has gotten even more bitter than ever. He is not the man who held her first and vowed to always be her father. When she needed him to scoop her up into his arms and tell her everything was going to work out, she was dismissed and lies were told. The same lies from seven years ago are still being told but to a new batch of folks. If someone had told me this would be his reaction, I would have called YOU the liar. 

Those tiny babies you make promises to grow; and they trust that since you are their parent if danger happens you are their protector. When your child cannot trust you, it is hard to have a relationship. There are many adults who have faced the same obstacles as M but in my heart, I know she is going to come out on top. Yes, today she grieved. She grieved for memories past as they are now tainted. She grieved for her prom, high school graduation, college graduation, and even her wedding. She grieved because other people have fathers but take them for granted. She grieved her church as she saw pictures from youth activities and realized yet another day has passed. With the passing of another day, she grieved for the church family she thought she had. Yes, M grieved more than any child deserves but she was also able to work toward putting that pain aside on the highest shelf to collect dust.

The last twenty-four hours have been an emotional roller coaster for us. There are many, many more people hurting so much more than we are. Then there are those who have yet to realize they still have two parents AND those parents still want a relationship with them.

Today a certain passage of scripture was constantly on my mind. Matthew 22:36-40.
³⁶ “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” ³⁷ And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸ This is the great and first commandment. ³⁹ And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰ On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” The signs on the church buildings may not match but as Christians we are called to do these two things. The verses don't mean the people you can ACCEPT but all the people we like to list after EXCEPT. If we are going to go on acceptance alone, then Jesus must be our benchmark.