And yet here I am...the final in the series :)

Pain. It is almost impossible to describe the pain I was feeling in February 2005. My left eye had a searing pain in it and nothing relieved this pain. When I finally followed the advice of friends and family and saw a rheumatologist, it was determined that I had scleritis in my left eye. It is a thinning of the white part of the eye and it causes much pain. Without treatment, I could lose my sight and ultimately my eye. The doctor put me on 40 mg of prednisone as well as weekly methotrexate, a chemotherapy used for scleritis.

Fifty percent of individuals with scleritis have an underlying disease such as rheumatoid arthritis. Three different rheumatologists tested me for underlying diseases but none were found. PTL! Then, it hit. The F-word. No. Not that one. Fibromyalgia. I had NEVER heard of this disease until I sat in the doctor's office in Nashville. He explained that fibromyalgia was not like arthritis which causes pain and inflammation of the joints. Fibromyalgia causes pain, and at times inflammation, in the muscles. Many have tried to describe the pain of this disease. There are 18 trigger points that the doctor looks at to determine if you have fibromyalgia. My pain is in my neck, shoulders, back, and legs. One person has said to have someone put clothespins on their fingers for 20 minutes and have them continue whatever they would normally do but with the clothespins. The hope is that they may be able to continue their previous actions but were they ever able to forget about the clothespins on their fingers? By far, the best explanation of this disease is "The Spoon Theory." http://butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf I hope the link will work. You may have to copy/paste it. I do not know how to embed it. :/

It took three eye doctors and three rheumatologists before I found the ones I needed to help fight these diseases. My current eye doctor is at John Hopkins Hospital in the Wilmer Eye Institute. She is amazing. My rheumatologist is in Nashville and after seeing one doctor for several years, I was asked if I would consider a NP. I agreed and it was the BEST decision I had ever made. Hands down. She remembers things about me that I have forgotten. She sits in front of you and looks you in the eye. As well as she can without having the disease, she sees your pain. Not only does she see the pain caused by the disease itself but the pain the disease causes to family relationships, friends, work, you name it. She just seems to know. I love her for asking how my father is doing since being diagnosed with invasive bladder cancer. I love her even more for then asking how I am doing with the news of my father's cancer. She is the real deal and the total package. I sure wish it had not taken me more than three years to find her.

There were lots of dates in the other posts so I will tell you a few more for good measure. As I said already, I was diagnosed in February 2005. After careful consideration and many hours in couples therapy, I decided it was time to end my marriage in March 2006. There is no need to go into the pros and cons of each side. In one sentence, it boils down to this....I did NOT want my children to grow up and believe the marriage I had with their father was what they should pattern their own marriages after when they decided to make that commitment. The divorce was final in October 2006.

The kids and I lived in Lewisburg after we left Petersburg. I was fortunate to find a nice house in a good neighborhood and one that I could afford based on my salary at the bank. When our small community bank was bought by a larger community bank, I became a loan officer and loved my job. For six years, I dealt mainly in construction loans. New subdivisions, spec houses, custom houses. All of it. I had many good customers, though, that weren't in construction. The family purchasing their first house. The young person purchasing their first car. It was not always easy to be a loan officer but I tried to always know the answers to questions my superiors would ask.

When I was first diagnosed and the pain was immense, I was given an award by my employer for my determination and persistence with all that had happened to me. Slowly I began getting sicker and missing more days. With the fibromyalgia came debilitating migraines. The HR director advised me to file for FMLA so that my days missed would not go against me. I did this and had my doctor filling out paperwork every 3 months. During 2006 and 2007, things shifted at work. I was no longer the valued employee who was loyal and did my best on every task given. I was the person who looked fine the day before and the day after I missed work. Only then did I realize how awful invisible illness truly is. It is life shattering. The thing is though that it has not only shattered my life but my kids, my parents, the few friends I have left, anyone who is still close to me basically. So, in November 2007, my career in banking ended when I missed 1 day more than allowable under FMLA.

I have not been able to work since then. I have lost much since November 2007. It felt as if I was no longer a contributing member of society. It also felt like what happened at work also happened everywhere else. When asked how I felt, I gave truthful answers. No need to lie or act like I wasn't sick. That is when I would hear "Well, you look good." It was as if looking good meant how could anything be THAT wrong if you don't even look sick. Right there is where I have lost many. I look fine so I must be lazy. Must want attention. Must rather say I was sick than care for my kids. The list goes on and on.

It was brought to my attention on Facebook that people did not like my negativity. They didn't want to hear about my bad circumstances or how I was feeling. They rather not read anything that would bring them down. Seriously?! So, I quit posting to Facebook about my illnesses and my pain. Then a long-time fibro friend invited me to a small private group on Facebook for those who face chronic illness and pain. It is a God send. I don't have to worry about sharing what is wrong with me on a particular day. I don't have to worry about being judged by others because the members all get it. They have been there. They know. There have been times since I joined the group that I have shared medical news. If people don't want to read it, hide, delete, or block me. If that is how they feel, they were never really my friend anyway.

This past May the kids and I moved to a smaller house in Lewisburg. We like our new home and are humbled to have it. While I may not deserve the generosity I have received, I do appreciate all that has been done for me the last four years.

For six years, I have struggled with forgiveness. Struggled with the beliefs I have had my entire life. Struggled with relationships..some I had had all my life. With the diseases I have, struggles are not good. They are just one more burden on already aching shoulders.

This past month I have come to forgive eight men. Men whom I blamed for many, many things. It became clear that continuing to harbor so much strife I would never be able to move on. I sent my apologies and asked for their forgiveness. Two replied and I am grateful for both. One of the two called as soon as he read the email. He did not have to forgive me. He did not have to treat me with respect and dignity the times he dealt with me prior to the email. He also did not have to ask me to forgive him for anything he might have done. His phone call allowed me to see they are just men. Human men, who like me, make mistakes each and every day. It is very clear there was only one perfect individual upon this Earth.

So, if you have read all three parts, you see that my life since college has been filled with many emotions. Not all good but certainly not all bad. Not all happy but not all sad. My family has rejoiced twice as my children have put on Christ. We have cried as we have lost way too many family members but we have known with each passing, we would see them again. We have not forgotten them. I don't think that would be possible. Each day something random happens and it makes you think of the one(s) you have lost.

It is hard to imagine a time when I won't remember the important dates of my past. Each date in these post has shaped me in one way or another. There are still many other dates that have also had a hand in shaping me. It is my turn to decide how I will allow things to shape me in the future.